In this godforsaken era of legalized reefer madness, any slack-jawed yokel can waltz into a dispensary and emerge with enough THC to sedate a herd of wildebeest. Gone are the days of paranoid teens huddled in basements, giggling maniacally at “Reefer Madness” while passing around a joint rolled with Bible paper and floor sweepings. No, now we’ve got Soccer Mom Susie nibbling artisanal eucalyptus-infused edibles at yoga class and Hedge Fund Harry vaping top-shelf sativa in his Telsa.

But fear not, fellow travelers. In this brave new world of corporate cannabis, there are still rules. Unwritten laws passed down through generations of stoners, beatniks, and freaks. A code of conduct for the properly baked gentleman or lady. Ignore them at your peril, lest you find yourself ostracized from polite pot-smoking society, forced to toke alone in the wilderness like some kind of animal.

So strap in, you degenerates. Class is in session

Rule #1: Don’t Bogart the Blunt or Joint

There’s a special circle of Hell reserved for the smoke hog, right between people who talk at the theater and HR managers who use the phrase “company culture” unironically. When partaking in a communal smoke session, remember the sacred mantra: puff, puff, pass. Two hits, then send it along. Any more than that and you risk incurring the wrath of your increasingly sober compatriots. And for the love of all that is holy, don’t let the thing go out while you’re regaling the group with your half-baked theory on how the moon landing was faked by Stanley Kubrick using leftover props from “2001: A Space Odyssey.” Nobody wants to re-light your wasted roach, Copernicus.

Rule #2: Respect the Circle

In most civilized smoking circles, the joint moves to the left. This isn’t some arbitrary rule dreamed up by a cabal of lefty pot-smoking hippies (though I’m sure they’d approve). It’s simple logistics. Moving in one direction prevents confusion and ensures everyone gets their fair share. Passing to the right is like driving on the left side of the road – it might work in England, but it’ll get you killed in Detroit. Of course, there’s always some contrarian jackass who insists on “stirring the pot” by passing right or skipping people. These are the same type of people who deep fry sticks of butter or vandalize historical sites and works of art. They cannot be trusted and should be shunned accordingly.

Rule #3: Don’t be a Freeloader

Nobody likes a mooch. If you’re constantly showing up empty-handed to smoke sessions, don’t be surprised when your invitations dry up faster than schwag in the Arizona sun. Bring your own weed, or at least chip in for snacks. Hell, even that weird guy who always brings a guitar and insists on playing off-key Phish covers is contributing something (though whether it’s positive is debatable). If you’re new to a group, you might get a pass for the first session or two. But after that, it’s time to pony up, partner. And if you’re truly destitute, at least offer to clean the bong or roll the joints. Show some goddamn initiative.

Rule #4: Know Your Limits

There’s always one. That person who takes three hits off a joint and suddenly starts freaking out like they’ve been struck by a case of claustrophobia in the middle of bat country. They’re babbling incoherently, raiding the fridge like a starved hyena, and insisting they can taste colors. Don’t be that person, the overconfident lightweight. Know your limits. You don’t win extra points for getting so high you think your hands are made of celery. Start slow, especially with edibles. Those innocent-looking gummies can send you on a one-way trip to the astral plane if you’re not careful. And nobody wants to babysit your paranoid ass while you’re convinced the NSA is spying on you through the toaster.

Rule #5: Respect the Host

If you’re smoking at someone’s home, follow their rules. Don’t ash on their antique rug or use their grandmother’s urn as a makeshift bong. Ask where it’s okay to smoke and use the ashtray they provide. And for Christ’s sake, don’t pocket their lighter. Nothing will get you blacklisted from future sessions faster than being a kleptomaniac with their smoking supplies. Also, clean up after yourself. Don’t leave a trail of Doritos crumbs and half-empty Mountain Dew cans in your wake like some kind of stoned Hansel and Gretel. You’re a guest, not a locust swarm.

Rule #6: Don’t be an Olfactory Offender

Just because you enjoy the pungent aroma of high-grade cannabis doesn’t mean your neighbors share your enthusiasm. Take steps to minimize the smell, especially if you’re in an apartment or shared living space. Use a sploof (that’s a toilet paper roll stuffed with dryer sheets for you rookies), smoke near an open window, or invest in an air purifier. And for the love of all that is holy, don’t hotbox your car in a public parking lot. You might as well put up a neon sign saying “ARREST ME” on your roof. Have some common sense and discretion, you animals.

Rule #7: Don’t Peer Pressure, You Pushy Bastard

Not everyone wants to partake in your little reefer soiree. Respect that. More for you anyway, right?

Rule #8: Handle Your Shit, You Degenerate

If you can’t handle your high, stay home. Nobody wants to deal with your paranoid freakout at the movie theater or your sudden existential crisis at the grocery store. If you insist on venturing out into public while baked, at least have the decency to keep it together. And for fuck’s sake, don’t go beyond your point of control. I don’t care if you think you’re “fine” or you’re claiming that you’re a “professional.” Being the one that gets out of control could get you left out of the loop for the next time out.

Rule #9: Don’t be a Snob

Don’t be that pretentious pot snob who looks down their nose at anyone smoking anything less than top-shelf, organically grown, hand-trimmed, artisanal bud. Not everyone has access to or can afford the crème de la crème of cannabis. Sometimes you’ve got to smoke the snicklefritz, and that’s okay. Similarly, don’t exclude people from your sessions based on their smoking method of choice. So what if Dave prefers a pipe and Sarah likes her bong? As long as everyone’s getting high and having a good time, who cares about the delivery method?

Rule #10: Share the Wisdom of the Ages

If you’re introducing someone to cannabis for the first time, take it seriously. Don’t just hand them a 100mg edible and tell them to “buckle up.” Start low, go slow, and make sure they’re comfortable. Be a guide, not a sadist. And while we’re at it, cut the pseudo-scientific bullshit. Don’t spout off about how indica is “in da couch” or how sativa gives you “mind-expanding” highs. The reality is much more complex, and perpetuating these oversimplifications just makes you sound like an idiot.

There you have it, ten rules of cannabis etiquette handed down by the ganja gods. Follow them, and you might just avoid being labeled as the group’s resident asshole. Ignore them, and you’ll find yourself alone on a Friday night, smoking schwag out of an apple like some kind of desolate creature.

Remember, with great power comes great responsibility. And in this case, the power is the ability to enhance the experience of life with a plant that was illegal for the better part of a century. Don’t fuck it up for the rest of us.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with a joint and the collected works of William S. Burroughs. Class dismissed…